Comments on: Judgment

By: Lisa writes...

Lisa writes... — Sat, 23 Aug 2008 15:12:50 +0000

Judgment with condemnation versus judgment with discernment–a very wise distinction…

By: Corina

Corina — Mon, 11 Aug 2008 23:08:46 +0000

Agreed. I think that there is a big difference here between being critical, and constructive, helpful, and attacking. I have no problem with a friend of mine who sees a problem and confronts me with it. I welcome that with open arms (and the physical help from a friend even more), even if the truth might sting a little. Why hide it? Are we not here to help each other become better versions of ourselves?

The problem I have are the people that are absolute about their way is the right way. The people that give unsolicited advice about the method by which I teach my children the values, the morals, and how I discipline, how I care for them. The important thing is not HOW I do it, but the fact that the method I use works.

I too am a paralyzed perfectionist, and have not always done my best (I for instance spend too much time on the computer). By its very definition, perfect is hard to accomplish. I would argue nearly impossible. In the search and drive for perfection, something else usually suffers. It is important, not to trick ourselves that we are doing our best. When we do something lackluster, we need to acknowledge it and vow to do better.

After all, don’t we all deserve that.

By: jolyn

jolyn — Mon, 11 Aug 2008 18:52:30 +0000

I really can’t add anything to the comments, but this topic brought to mind a neighbor I had for a couple of years, over four years ago now. She was a mom who was very dysfunctional in her parenting, and she often complained to me and regaled me with stories that so bothered me that I finally decided that I had to tell her what I really thought, even though it would be hurtful and she would probably never talk to me again — she wasn’t someone I normally would have picked as a friend, and though I thought it would be awkward I admittedly thought it would be a relief when we no longer spoke.

Instead, the opposite happened: when I –firmly and lovingly, but with great trepidation — gave her my unedited advice, she kept coming back for more. It was a great lesson to me, witnessing how my hesitation to “offend” had kept me from hearing someone practically screaming for help.

Your gift of writing, btw, is not just in your style, but in your ability to pluck these topics out of thin air. And I originally read this as pertaining to those we associate with face-to-face. I am not to the point in my casual blogging life where I would ever presume to know what goes on behind closed doors just because I can read what they choose to share online.

By: edj

edj — Sun, 10 Aug 2008 22:51:07 +0000

Great post, and I agree with it and love many of the comments. I am so pleased that you drew the distinction between condemnation and discernment. I get really tired of all this tepid support in the name of tolerance. However, I agree with SC that criticism is difficult to pull off when you only know someone online. I don’t discuss my parenting philosophy online really at all, but I have friends who know us all and observe us all, and with them we can freely praise and comment and even criticize, in love and with a goal of helping one another. I think everyone needs that.
And Bea got it right–the only ones I’m truly judgemental of are the ones missing the important parenting goals. It would never occur to me to judge someone for popping in a movie for her two year old on a really hard day when she needs a break.

By: Rachel

Rachel — Sun, 10 Aug 2008 01:02:23 +0000

The hardest day of my parenting career was the day I realized I was making mistakes in raising my son. Not in the sense that I knew what the mistakes were or that I had sudden insight into a need I hadn’t been meeting, but that in the future, my son would look at me and say, “I really wish you had…”

By: fern

fern — Sat, 09 Aug 2008 15:40:18 +0000

Last night my 15 y.o. asked me what she should do when she hears her coworkers make judging remarks about other people. I told her that I run into that problem at work, too and I find myself saying “who am I to judge?”

On the spelling of judgment–I had to look twice at it because my eye just assumed it had the e that I am accustomed to. I would not judge someone on the way that they spell judgement. After all, who am I to judge?

However, I will always judge my husband on the way he pronounces apricot, because he is just plain wrong.

By: fern

fern — Sat, 09 Aug 2008 12:58:07 +0000

Thank you!
Why is it that we sometimes see mothers and fathers only on the extremes–good mom or bad mom. Nobody is perfect. We are all just human.

By: The Happy Housewife

The Happy Housewife — Sat, 09 Aug 2008 07:22:06 +0000

Love the new place by the way Veronica! This post is right on the nose - there’s a dangerous difference between being non-judgEmental and shirking our moral and social responsibility. Silence can condone, but I agree with Carrien - it is HOW we voice our criticism that determines whether or not we are supportive to each other.

By: carrien (she laughs at the days)

carrien (she laughs at the days) — Sat, 09 Aug 2008 06:03:17 +0000

That’s one thing I am blessed to have in my spouse, someone who points out that I could be doing better, without making me feel like an abject failure while doing so, and then who helps me to plan or figure out how to improve.

We don’t always hear what we sound like when we talk to others, especially our kids, unless someone can repeat it back to us. I know I need people like that in all aspects of my life. If I’m allowed to remain complacent when there is room for improvement how will I ever grow?

By: Pat Norton

Pat Norton — Fri, 08 Aug 2008 19:36:21 +0000

One of the best gifts I ever was given was the wise and loving advise of a friend.
She told me what I needed to hear. It was not what I wanted to hear.
It changed how I handled my teenage son.
He was playing us because his father and I felt guilty for moving him cross country.
She pointed this out,with humor and wit.
I will ever be thankful to God for giving Gloria the words I needed to hear.
I pray for parents today.
We need good encouragement and at times it comes in the form of a loving critique.
I want to thank you for sharing your insight and for sharing your gifts with the web.
Chatty Patty in PA