Judgment
(Dear readers who do not use American spelling reform - I confess that the American spelling of judgment has always pained me, but I am what I am, and cannot do differently. Kindly imagine an e between the g and the m if you are feeling queasy.)
Beck just wrote a post at 5 Minutes for Parenting about that great bugbear of mommyblogging: judging others. In the parenting blogosphere there is a general insistence on sunny optimism and bonhomie about each other’s parenting skills and choices. We are a community, you see, and we are not supposed to judge. At least, we are not supposed to judge each other about parenting. There is plenty of judgment passed out about politics, religion, money, fashion, writing and perceived slights. A democrat blogger might write about evil republican scum (or vice versa), but when it comes to actual parenting, we are supposed to join hands and sing “Kum Ba Yah, every mother is doing her best and let’s support each other.”
It’s time you knew: I am not doing my best.
I have never done my best. I am a paralyzed perfectionist, and just about the worst advice anyone could ever give me is “Just do your best.” This is about as helpful to me as suggesting that if I just tried a little harder, I could painlessly levitate my baby from my womb instead of dealing with all that messy labor. “Best” is a standard impossible to me, utterly out of reach of my nature. I will always find a flaw in my efforts somwehere. Part of my growth as an adult has been to learn to accept a standard of “good enough” instead.
Or as my brother once told me when I freaked out about a college test: “Veronica, if the minimum wasn’t good enough, there wouldn’t be a minimum.”
There is actually a minimum to parenting, and we do not all agree on what that is. Sure, we agree on a few basics: you must love your children, you must feed and shelter them, you must not beat them. But there is a world of standards beyond that, and we will not agree on all of those standards.
I cannot get all worked up, say, about which method of discipline parents choose for their kids, but I damn sure get worked up if they DON”T discipline their kids. Discipline is not optional. Nor is teaching your kids some measure of respect for authority. We all have to live with your kids, and if you raise them to only disrespect rules laid down by authorities, then I do not want to drive on the same road with them. If your son has learned from you that people will always say yes if he just keeps asking long enough, then I do not want your son dating my daughter. If you teach your kids by example that stealing from big organizations doesn’t count as stealing, then I do not want your child as my employee or coworker.
In short, if you do those things, then I am judging your parental decisions. It’s not a harsh or final judgment - as noted above, I know I’m flawed too, and I have plenty of boneheaded mistakes of my own. But judgment as condemnation is one thing; judgment as discernment is something else. Community and kindness do not require us to pretend that bad decisions are good ones. We have all made bad decisions sometime; we cannot form a truly helpful community if we forbid ourselves from saying so.
So perhaps we could pause a little from the “we’re all doing our best” mantra. We’re not. I let my kids watch more movies and eat more junk food than they should. It’s okay to tell me that, as long as you tell me like a friend who has made her own mistakes. Recognizing that we don’t all make the best decisions all the time should not be the death knell of community; it should be part of building community. The friend who lovingly tells me I don’t ___________ enough and then comes over to my house to help me out so I can - that friend will always be a more essential part of my community than the Pollyanna who tells me I’m doing my best, and just leaves me to it.
Leann
Well said! And I don’t even have kids, but you’re spot-on. And for the record, I spell “judgment” the way you do. I can’t add an “e”. It just doesn’t seem right.
Katy
Can I just say……… “AMEN!”?!? Thanks for pointing out the difference between being snobbish and being neglectful! I am always happy for some help, but please don’t just criticize me for the fun of it!
OK, I’m off to fix my kids some junk food while they watch TV…
suburbancorrespondent
Still…an on-line community? No one can really help you do something better, so isn’t the criticism bound to feel more destructive than helpful? I guess I’m more “If you can’t say something nice (or helpful, or supportive), don’t say anything at all.” I’ve seen some blogs where I feel shocked at something the parent is doing, but would it do any good if I said so? That person would just get defensive and other people would jump to criticize me and it would just be one big cat fight. That’s what I’ve seen, anyway.
But now I’m criticizing what you said! You poor dear - I love your blog, and I agree with what you said for the most part. I’m just not sure how you would implement that in a productive way in the blogosphere. With a close friend, I can see saying, “Hey, you’re yelling at your kids too much because you need a night out. Let me watch them for you.” But how would that work online?
Kimberly
I think one of the aspects of parenting that gets all of us is the realization that we don’t know everything about parenting, like we thought we did before we had kids.
And it cracks me up when someone who hasn’t had my situation, assumes they know what is going on and gives me advice. And I have had to learn that lesson myself…that there is a bit of “walk a mile in someone else’s shoes before commenting” thing that we all can learn from.
That said, I agree with your post, ESPECIALLY the part where you distinguish condemnation from discernment. That, I think, is the crux of the matter, and where people trip up. They think that if they say anything critical that the receiver will feel condemned, and none of us wants that. But it would do us all good to realize that we cannot see our lives objectively, and someone else might be able to. Also, even though it is easier to help in real life, an on-line community is a wonderful resource of ideas. And sometimes all we need as fellow struggling parents is a fresh look at things. Nearly every day I read a post or a comment somewhere on some blog that gives me a tidbit that I didn’t know, and that, I think, makes me a better parent.
Discernment, not condemnation. Brilliant.
Beck
I LOVE you for writing this.
I am shocked and amused that my statement that I do not try hard enough as a mother has led to me being accussed of being discouraging to other mothers.
We all have our gifts; apparently, this is mine.
A friend of mine once said to me “Beck, your house is a big mess.” And then she came over and helped me organize my kitchen and watched my baby while I cleaned. It was judgement, but it was done with love and I learned from it. But then, I am a large soul and not prone to holding grudges.
Veronica Mitchell
SC, excellent point. I think you are right about the challenges of the online community - it often is better to say nothing and just move on to another blog. That’s my usual method too. Not knowing each other in “real life” definitely limits how helpful criticism can be, and makes it easier for it to become mere bullying.
I think what bothers me is just how often in the online community people trumpet the lack of judgment as a positive thing in itself, and how often we are encouraged to refrain from judging under the pretense that that is the most helpful thing we can do. It really isn’t.
And thank you for helping me refine my thoughts by disagreeing with them. See? It works. Ha.
gretchen from lifenut
Timely. The message at church this past Sunday was from Luke 6—learning to judge fairly, with discernment, with an honest look at the fruit produced by another. Is the fruit good? Is the person calling “Lord, Lord” actually obedient? Are you?
It’s hard to tell online, when people often present themselves and their families in the best possible light. I take those blogs with a grain of salt, knowing it can’t possibly be all homemade pies, all the time.
PastormacsAnn
Bravo! Well stated.
Mad
I find that I have developed a bloggy writing style that allows me to open the door to honest critique and judgement when I seek it and to all but stifle debate when I know in my heart I couldn’t accept even constructive criticism on an issue. B/c of this, I have received and made use of some very fine advice out here.
nomotherearth
“We all have to live with your kids, and if you raise them to only disrespect rules laid down by authorities……… then I do not want your child as my employee or coworker.”
That is about the most perfect paragraph I have read in a very long while. Well said! Love this post.
Jen
That is such a fine line to walk, as a friend. It takes courage to tell someone that they are not doing well, especially about something so personal as parenting. But you are entirely right that a friend who cares enough to be honest AND offer to help (the gracious offer of help is critical) is a much better friend than one who smiles and says nothing.
bea
The issues you identify here seem to have less to do with parenting than with values. If you think it’s not stealing to take things from a corporation, it’s not just your CHILDREN I don’t want to work with. Parenting does bring to light some values, however: do we focus on raising children whom no one can push around, or do we raise our kids to be modest and put others first? My husband was raised by parents who very successfully trained him to eschew all forms of bragging and self-assertion. As a result, he’s a lovely husband who is absolutely terrible in a job interview.
In my experience, when people judge other parents, they very rarely judge their values and almost always focus on performance and results. Your kid behaves badly - you must be a bad parent. You express too much anger or not enough - you must be a bad parent. I think all the “we mustn’t judge” rhetoric arises from the fact that it’s so TEMPTING to judge, because judging other parents makes us feel better about ourselves. It’s almost irresistibly tempting to pat ourselves on the back for our children’s virtues and to compare them favourably to other, less well-parented children.
And I’ve noticed that I am never so ready to explode at my children as when I feel that their behaviour reflects poorly on my parenting. To the extent that I’ve absorbed or perpetuated that atmosphere of judgment, I find myself enraged when my children display evidence of my poor parenting. I’m not convinced that an atmosphere of judgment really helps anyone be a better parent, and I have first-hand experience of how judging myself actually disables my ability to parent my children calmly or patiently.
JulieC
I think that relationship is really the key here. If I have a friendship with someone, then there has already been give and take, sharing of opinions, etc. They have earned (over time) the right to speak into my life, and I have the right to speak into theirs.
I do think it’s possible for this to happen online, too. I don’t actually know you, Veronica, face to face, but I have read your blog long enough to respect your opinions. If I were to say something in the comments here that raised a red flag for you, I would be ok with you emailing me and mentioning it. I don’t have a blog, but by commenting here, I’m opening myself up to discussion. There are other blogs that I read that I don’t ever post a comment to.
I don’t think criticism can be very productive if you don’t trust the person giving it. It’s often hard to hear even if the trust is there!
I agree with the difference between judgment as discernment and as condemnation. In an effort to be “non-judgmental”, often discernment seems to go out the window, too.
Veronica Mitchell
Bea, your comment reminded me of a post of yours where you mention a passing mother sneering to her daughter about the stranger who didn’t pick up her crying baby. Obviously that was judgment way over the line.
And values - yes. Thank you for pointing out one of my unstated assumptions. I am much more interested in a child’s character than the surface aspects of behavior. My 4YO is a high-energy child; her behavior would dissatisfy many people. But she is also (so far) enthusiastic, eager to please and kind. A criticism that neglects those elements of her nature while focusing on the fact that she can’t stand still would seem very out-of-place to me.
What bothers me about the anti-judgment rhetoric around the web isn’t the call for loving acceptance and support; that part is great. I am bothered by the apparent demand for pretense. Sometimes it appears the only way to satisfy the momosphere’s very high standard of non-judgmentalism (to use a clumsy word) is to outright pretend that we don’t have the sense we really do.
Sherri E.
Yay, Veronica!
And yay, bea– great comment.
I think, bea, that there is indeed a mighty temptation to judge others as bad because we can then feel self-righteous. That’s why judgment works well only in company with humility and charity. As in Veronica’s post.
Karen
oh please, let us reinstate the e. I just can’t look at it.
in all other respects, I have to agree. We thinking of judging as so negative - really as a sin, but I’m not sure we should think of using our own judgment in the same way. My own judgment teaches me things. It gives me information I need to make decisions. That information can not be had anywhere else. No one else can give it to me. I gather it. I get it when our worlds collide.
Crockstar
Excellent points and terrific examples, particularly, “If your son has learned from you that people will always say yes if he just keeps asking long enough, then I do not want your son dating my daughter.”
I was a single mother for the first five years of my daughter’s life. I was judged, judged by my own family, and felt like, judged by the world. I think that is why I was very hard on my daughter. As Bea said, it was more that her behaviour was a reflection on my parenting and therefore she could not screw up, or be a typical kid. Now she is just bossy and controlling, much like I was to her. Maybe instead of telling me how good my daughter acts in public and at friend’s homes they could have said ease up a little.
And the times when I was a total louse as a parent because I would not feed her dinner unless she asked for it? Instead we would get ready for bed together and snuggle, sleeping together with her hand holding mine. I kept those times secret because of the judging and those are moments I miss now that I am married.
The single mom judging is gone now I am being judged because I am failing as a stepmom. And honestly, I think the criticism I have had in that area might be spot on. Just really hate to hear, but they are just little kids, I want constructive criticism followed by a solution not a condemnation. But what I would really like is for the KUM-BY-YAH party to end so I wouldn’t feel so alone in this parenting deal.
Moriah @ Please Pass the Salt
Full of wisdom.
Erin
This is wonderfully said. Judgment as discernment is an attribute that is missing in so many people today.
Jennifer
One of my friends is raising her son to be a tattle-tale. When he doesn’t get his way with his friends, he asks an adult to tell the other child to do what he wants. The most ferocious tongue-lashing I ever got from my mom was when I tattled on my sister; so I look at this kid’s tendency with some disgust.
My friend says she’s teaching her son to turn to a trusted adult when he’s in trouble.
My son, now. If my son were beat over the head with a rock at school every day, I wouldn’t ever know it (except for the blood of course); he’d never tell me. He certainly wouldn’t tell a teacher. On the other hand, he resolves all disputes with his friends or his sister on his own.
I have an opinion about her parenting & she about mine, but we don’t discuss it, because what’s the use? Neither of us is right. Or we both are.
On the other hand, my husband and I discuss her after every time we see her. It’s a way of getting our parenting values in sync. That’s not the way we want to parent, right, husband? Right, wife.
Emily
“If your son has learned from you that people will always say yes if he just keeps asking long enough, then I do not want your son dating my daughter.”
This is so important (and such a hit-you-in-the-gut example!) I am going to remember this every time I say “no” to my sons!
Minnesotamom
While noble in thought, it might be harder for bloggers to be able to “be there” physically to help each other. Where I see your point making sense, however, is if people are able to offer helpful advice without coming across as “I’m better than you.” I am always open to criticism; I just ask that people back up their opinions with evidence (whether scientific or in their own life). And evidence of a parenting skill that has worked for them is good enough for me (even though I may not adopt the same strategy).
Good post.
chaotic joy
Oh Veronica. I am not sure that I entirely agree with this post. There are a very few people in my life that I would receive “You do not ____enough for your children” constructively. Those few, I feel like I do have that relationship with.
The blogosphere? There is already too much disrespectful commenting going on and I’m not certain that’s the place. When I genuinely disagree with a parenting choice I have read about, I usually choose not to comment at all. I don’t know how I could proceed in any other way that wouldn’t be hypocritical or perceived as an attack.
Especially since so often the posts that spurn these attacks are actually confessions of times we know we have slipped up.
That being said. This paragraph:
“if you raise them to only disrespect rules laid down by authorities, then I do not want to drive on the same road with them. If your son has learned from you that people will always say yes if he just keeps asking long enough, then I do not want your son dating my daughter. If you teach your kids by example that stealing from big organizations doesn’t count as stealing, then I do not want your child as my employee or coworker.”
ROCKS! I love it so much, I think should be printed and handed out to new moms everywhere.
Thanks for a great, thought provoking post.
elisa
“if you raise them to only disrespect rules laid down by authorities, then I do not want to drive on the same road with them. If your son has learned from you that people will always say yes if he just keeps asking long enough, then I do not want your son dating my daughter. If you teach your kids by example that stealing from big organizations doesn’t count as stealing, then I do not want your child as my employee or coworker.”
THANK YOU!!!
I will be linking back to this post many times in the future, I am sure…. Very well put.
(a new-ish reader)
Steph
Very well put, indeed. And I hate to admit it but that line about dating my daughter just reinforced to me that I’m going to be a mess when she gets to that age!
bea
Another thought: there are two very different ways of being a not-good-enough parent. One (the one you address here) is having unwise goals in parenting. The other (the one most of us feel judged for) has to do with falling short of ideals we all share: too much TV, not enough vegetables, inconsistent discipline, too much yelling - all the things that we’re confronted with day by day as evidence of how far we fall short. If someone were to call me on the latter set of failings, I can’t really imagine a situation where I’d take that well. But with the first category it seems possible to have a broader discussion and debate - like the issue Jennifer raises of tattle-taling.
Jennifer
This one gets the google star! You are, as usual, on the nose.
I can come at this post from many different angles, and we can all discuss it on many levels. And I agree with you on all of them.
One thing that I think is at the root here is our currrent (cultural? generational?) unwillingness to acknowledge that there is RIGHT and there is WRONG. There IS good and evil, there ARE moral values and virtues that transcend culture, space, and time.
I have said on many occassions just what you said here: I am not doing my best. And it’s not going to help me or my children if I lie to myself. If my kids go off the deep end one day, yes, I’m sure I will feel guilt for it. HOWEVER, I am not saying that I WILL be guilty - I’m not saying that anyone is at fault for their children’s misdeeds or worse -
but to hear that whining or defiant “Well, I did my best…” well, that’s a cop-out for sure.
It’s much easier to fall off of either side of a horse than it is to balance gracefully and sit with stability in the middle of the saddle. Discernment is much more difficult than clinging to a set of rigid rules, standards, and expectations. And even stewing in my own sense of unworthiness is just another form of pride and narcissism, really.
And so, I try, try again… and again… and again…
and I try to be gracious. But even more so, I cling to the truth, and I am brutally honest with myself every day. I do that for my children’s sake even more than my own. What does it help them if I am the only one who is convinced that “I did my best?”
Jennifer
Oh, and Veronica, that was me…
sorry, I forgot the url. I wouldn’t want to appear to be ducking or anything.
The Diaper Diaries
This post, Beck’s post and all these comments are just fabulous. The paragraph many other commenters have highlighted is truly brilliant.
This is a ridiculously fine line to walk. As humans and especially as women, we live to judge don’t we? And I can’t tell you how many times a DAY I have a conversation with another mom, usually a friend, that has some subtle comment in it that has some sort of reference to some way I or another friend is parenting.
The problem I have with the warm fuzzy lack of judgement rule is that it only applies to other mom’s faces. Behind their back we judge all over the place. So no solution, but let’s not pretend to be non-judgemental when we aren’t.
PJ
You’ve hit the nail on the head!! Great blog.
Emily
“Better is open rebuke than hidden love. Faithful are the wounds of a friend; profuse are the kisses of an enemy.” (Proverbs 27:5-6) Hubs and I were just talking about this the other night. Thanks for such an excellent post.
Thinking as one (like you, TD) who is paralyzed by the standard of perfection, I think that Bea’s first comment can work in reverse, too. That is, comparison can work both ways. You can compare yourself favorably to those you think parent more poorly, or you can compare yourself unfavorably to those you think parent better than you do. I suffer more from the latter, and my husband from the former. (At least we balance each other out, right?) The differences in our perspectives have created some great conversations, though.
The jury is out on which is more debilitating–judging yourself harshly, or judging others harshly. I think I have come ’round like Solomon to “Vanity of vanities…The end of the matter; all has been heard. Fear God and keep his commandments, for this is the whole duty of man. For God will bring every deed into judgment, with every secret thing, whether good or evil.”
Like everyone else, I LOVED your paragraph on discriminating judgment. We need more of that these days, and we need to teach our children how to exercise discriminating judgment. More than we know, I’m sure!
Beth
I don’t have children (born) yet… (due in 4 weeks with my first)… BUT….
THANK-YOU THANK-YOU THANK-YOU for saying this. It was like a breath of fresh air. Even in my Christian circles of friends, no one wants to say anything “judgmental” to anyone. I say that’s a load of hooey. (How’s that for judging.. haha!)
JUDGEMENT in and of itself is not bad (the court system does it, God does it, etc). It’s more the being mean and insensitive to other people’s feelings and not stating things in a loving manner that’s the problem. Adding to the problem instead of helping. Discernment of right and wrong or even just discussing it plainly if it’s unclear is ok. There IS ultimate truth to be found eventually (whether on this side of heaven or the other).
I try to live by my favorite verse: 1 Peter 3:15:
Always be ready to give an answer…. but do this with GENTLENESS AND RESPECT. (I was a philosophy and apologetics major, so this is vital to my thinking!!!)
Thanks again,
from another “new-ish” reader.
(sorry for the long comment, maybe I should write my own post??!)
Pat Norton
One of the best gifts I ever was given was the wise and loving advise of a friend.
She told me what I needed to hear. It was not what I wanted to hear.
It changed how I handled my teenage son.
He was playing us because his father and I felt guilty for moving him cross country.
She pointed this out,with humor and wit.
I will ever be thankful to God for giving Gloria the words I needed to hear.
I pray for parents today.
We need good encouragement and at times it comes in the form of a loving critique.
I want to thank you for sharing your insight and for sharing your gifts with the web.
Chatty Patty in PA
carrien (she laughs at the days)
That’s one thing I am blessed to have in my spouse, someone who points out that I could be doing better, without making me feel like an abject failure while doing so, and then who helps me to plan or figure out how to improve.
We don’t always hear what we sound like when we talk to others, especially our kids, unless someone can repeat it back to us. I know I need people like that in all aspects of my life. If I’m allowed to remain complacent when there is room for improvement how will I ever grow?
The Happy Housewife
Love the new place by the way Veronica! This post is right on the nose - there’s a dangerous difference between being non-judgEmental and shirking our moral and social responsibility. Silence can condone, but I agree with Carrien - it is HOW we voice our criticism that determines whether or not we are supportive to each other.
fern
Thank you!
Why is it that we sometimes see mothers and fathers only on the extremes–good mom or bad mom. Nobody is perfect. We are all just human.
fern
Last night my 15 y.o. asked me what she should do when she hears her coworkers make judging remarks about other people. I told her that I run into that problem at work, too and I find myself saying “who am I to judge?”
On the spelling of judgment–I had to look twice at it because my eye just assumed it had the e that I am accustomed to. I would not judge someone on the way that they spell judgement. After all, who am I to judge?
However, I will always judge my husband on the way he pronounces apricot, because he is just plain wrong.
Rachel
The hardest day of my parenting career was the day I realized I was making mistakes in raising my son. Not in the sense that I knew what the mistakes were or that I had sudden insight into a need I hadn’t been meeting, but that in the future, my son would look at me and say, “I really wish you had…”
edj
Great post, and I agree with it and love many of the comments. I am so pleased that you drew the distinction between condemnation and discernment. I get really tired of all this tepid support in the name of tolerance. However, I agree with SC that criticism is difficult to pull off when you only know someone online. I don’t discuss my parenting philosophy online really at all, but I have friends who know us all and observe us all, and with them we can freely praise and comment and even criticize, in love and with a goal of helping one another. I think everyone needs that.
And Bea got it right–the only ones I’m truly judgemental of are the ones missing the important parenting goals. It would never occur to me to judge someone for popping in a movie for her two year old on a really hard day when she needs a break.
jolyn
I really can’t add anything to the comments, but this topic brought to mind a neighbor I had for a couple of years, over four years ago now. She was a mom who was very dysfunctional in her parenting, and she often complained to me and regaled me with stories that so bothered me that I finally decided that I had to tell her what I really thought, even though it would be hurtful and she would probably never talk to me again — she wasn’t someone I normally would have picked as a friend, and though I thought it would be awkward I admittedly thought it would be a relief when we no longer spoke.
Instead, the opposite happened: when I –firmly and lovingly, but with great trepidation — gave her my unedited advice, she kept coming back for more. It was a great lesson to me, witnessing how my hesitation to “offend” had kept me from hearing someone practically screaming for help.
Your gift of writing, btw, is not just in your style, but in your ability to pluck these topics out of thin air. And I originally read this as pertaining to those we associate with face-to-face. I am not to the point in my casual blogging life where I would ever presume to know what goes on behind closed doors just because I can read what they choose to share online.
Corina
Agreed. I think that there is a big difference here between being critical, and constructive, helpful, and attacking. I have no problem with a friend of mine who sees a problem and confronts me with it. I welcome that with open arms (and the physical help from a friend even more), even if the truth might sting a little. Why hide it? Are we not here to help each other become better versions of ourselves?
The problem I have are the people that are absolute about their way is the right way. The people that give unsolicited advice about the method by which I teach my children the values, the morals, and how I discipline, how I care for them. The important thing is not HOW I do it, but the fact that the method I use works.
I too am a paralyzed perfectionist, and have not always done my best (I for instance spend too much time on the computer). By its very definition, perfect is hard to accomplish. I would argue nearly impossible. In the search and drive for perfection, something else usually suffers. It is important, not to trick ourselves that we are doing our best. When we do something lackluster, we need to acknowledge it and vow to do better.
After all, don’t we all deserve that.
Lisa writes...
Judgment with condemnation versus judgment with discernment–a very wise distinction…