The Crappiest Birthday Ever
My younger sister had her birthday today. It was not a good one.
First, she is sick. Strep throat worked its way through everyone in the family. It doesn’t matter how much you disinfect, in a family full of young kids, it only takes one doorknob licker or inveterate nose picker to infect everybody.
Second, my brother’s family moved away today. Brother has served the last year in Afghanistan, but his tour of duty is over. For the last year, his wife, a lovely, open-hearted woman who has thoroughly captured our affections by laughing at all our jokes, and his three adorable children have been living with my parents. Their kids and Sister’s kids have grown close, and everyone is feeling mopey and sad because today Brother’s family moved on to the next assignment.
But HEY! That’s not all! A few weeks ago Sister got a call from a woman she has helped occasionally over the years. This woman wanted a place to stay for a few days after she was released from prison so she could make phone calls to find a treatment program. Sister agreed to let her stay for a couple of days, but she did not go into treatment. She disappeared and started using again. But before she did, she stayed just long enough to expose them all to Stage 2 syphilis! Yes, apparently in the highly contagious Stage 2, you can contract syphilis without sexual contact.
So Sister consulted her doctor, who recommended they all be tested. And HEY! Sister’s doctor told her that just getting the kids tested might mean her pediatrician calls Children’s Protective Services. That’s government working for you.
So after saying goodbye to Brother’s beloved family, Sister herded all her kids to the tiny examining room at the doctor’s office to test for a scary disease. Presumably all is well, but the tests will take a little while. And THAT is what makes this her BESTEST BIRTHDAY EVER!
I did not have time this year to write a roast to cheer her up. So, dear readers, please leave a comment to make my sister’s birthday better. Tell her your favorite joke, or include a link to the funniest thing you’ve seen on the web lately. Make my sister smile.
She loves blonde jokes, considering them evidence of brunette’s jealousy of blonde superiority. And she has three boys, so she is not easily shocked.
jolyn
Ok, that is seriously wrong, and I am so sorry for your sister’s misfortune, especially the good deed gone completely awry.
I do not know why this old joke came to mind — perhaps because I associate you with higher education? And I usually make an absolute point to keep completely away from anything resembling cursing, and I really don’t know why I’m straying from that now, but…
It’s the one where the girl from the Midwest goes to her first year at an Ivy League school on the east coast. She meets her roommate and introduces herself. “Hi, I’m Sue and I’m from Minnesota! Where are you from?”
Her roommate replies very snottily, “Somewhere where we know not to dangle our prepositions.”
So the Minnesota girl tries again, “Oh, I’m sorry…Where are you from, b*tch?”
Elle
Sister, sending birthday wishes your way and our family’s favorite blonde joke.
What do you call 3 blondes in the freezer?
Frosted flakes.
Here’s another one, in highlight to our techno age and blondes’ inability to keep up:
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house. A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox and again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, “Is something wrong?”
To which she replied, “There certainly is!”
My stupid computer keeps saying, “You’ve got mail!”
chaotic joy
Oh good grief! Poor dear. Sometimes when it rains it pours and then it punches you in the face. On your birthday. I am not funny. I have no jokes but you obviously have a sister who loves you. I hope things improve soon.
Minnesotamom
CRAPHOLE, that’s a crummy birthday. Here’s something sweet/fun to make it better:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9fciD_II7NI
anne
I can’t really think of a joke, but I love funny photos. Here’s one collection to cheer her up:
Photobombers
And this one from another awesome blogger, Mihow, involving thumbs and a uvula. I don’t know her personally, but even I had to laugh out loud - this is the best photo EVER:
Thumbs and Uvula by Mihow
JulieC
Yikes! You totally win any “tell us about your worst birthday” contests.
I just saw this today and laughed pretty hard. It’s Bono and The Edge from U2 playing an acoustic version of “Vertigo”. Edge is playing a banjo. Bono is at times playing an air banjo.
Any non-U2 fans may need to see a normal version of Vertigo to compare it to. My husband watched the acoustic version with a straight face and said, “You know, I think I like the banjo version better!”
In case this link doesn’t work, put “U2 Vertigo Temple Bar Mix” in YouTube’s search.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=edSOGPYp3xA
PastormacsAnn
Ugh. That’s a raw deal. Sorry she had such a cruddy day.
Q: How do you kill a one handed blonde hanging from a tree?
A: Wave.
Q: Did you hear about the blonde who couldn’t wait to see “20,000 Leagues under the sea?
A: She said that she loved baseball, and was surprised that there were so many teams.
Question and answer blonde jokes
Q: How do blonde braincells die?
A: Alone.
Q: How do you sink a submarine full of blondes?
A: Knock on the door.
Jeana
Oh, that is crappy!
Except, actually, I didn’t know your brother was home from Afghanistan, so after I saw that I couldn’t get in the crappy mood because I was so glad he’ s home safe with his family.
Then I worried about saying that, because it sounds like an obnoxious, “How dare you think your day is crappy when you have so many blessings” comments, which it’s not at all. Because the day really was crappy.
But your SIL sounds like a beautiful person. And I’m glad your brother’s home. And I hope her life gets increasingly less crappy.
(Just shut up and tell a joke, Jeana.)
My kids’ favorite is about the blonde who called to report a fire at her neighbor’s house. “How do we get there?” asked the fireman.
“Duh! In the big red truck!”
Adventures In Babywearing
Oh my goodness! I do hope she can make up for it another day… or the rest of the year! She deserves it!
Steph
andrea_jennine
Oh, dear; that does sound like a dreadful birthday. But happy birthday anyway, sister!
Funny things…
How about this?
http://benwitherington.blogspot.com/2008/08/britain-is-repossessing-america-im-john.html
Or look up “Bits of Fry and Laurie” on YouTube for some great comedy sketches.
Or this classic dad joke:
Why do elephants wear red sneakers?
To hide in cherry trees.
Have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree?
Works pretty good, doesn’t it?!
suburbancorrespondent
Frosted Flakes! That’s funny!
And, nope, I don’t have one of my own.
sis
I teared up a little when you mentioned our sister-in-law. That is sad. For the record, I wasn’t worried about the dangers of syphilis (it is cureable) so much as humiliated by having the conversation. It is never good when the doctor has to research your question because you’re the first person in 20 years to ever ask it. It’s also the first time he ever brought the big red book of infectious diseases to one of our check-ups. I was also embarrassed when several nurses made hushed, cryptic references to our “blood work.” After all, who thinks they’ll ever be the mom who may have exposed all 5 of her kids to syphilis? I don’t actually think I have strep, but I do now have full-blown laryngitis. It’s always fun to try parenting without my biggest tool-my voice.
Kelly @ Love Well
(In keeping with the theme.)
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, “Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get it started.”
He asks, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?”
“According to the picture on the box, it’s a tiger.”
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, “First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger.”
He takes her hand and says, “Second, I want you to relax. Let’s have a nice cup of tea, and then…..” he sighed, “we’ll put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box.”
Theresa
JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked: “Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?”
MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn’t remember any more. Melanie said, “If you don’t remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six.”
STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night. “I love you so much that when you die I’m going to bury you outside my bedroom window.”
BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she’d have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: “How does it know it’ s me?”
SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. “Please don’t give me this juice again,” she said, “It makes my teeth cough.”
DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: “How much do I cost?”
MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: “Why is he whispering in her mouth?”
CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, “I don’t know what’ll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in?”
JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: “The man named Lott was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt..” Concerned, James asked: “What happened to the flea?”
TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, “Why doesn’t your skin fit your face?”
The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget…. this particular Sunday sermon…”Dear Lord,” the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. “Without you, we are but dust…” He would have co ntinued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, “Mom, what is butt dust?”
ChrisinNY
What do blondes and cowpies have in common?
The older they are, the easier to pick up.
Jennifer (Et Tu?)
Oh, no! What an awful day. A couple funny things…
Here’s something hilarious in an insanely nerdy way (I cannot emphasize the “nerdy” part enough), and whenever I’m feeling down I can always count on reading the reviews to David Hasslehof albums online. There seems to be some sort of running joke there, and I find it hilarious (though maybe I’m just weird).
Hope her day gets better!
Marmee
I must say that this birthday was very crappy. And I wish I had something REALLY funny to write here, but I can leave you with a link to a good, hearty, tears rolling down your cheeks laugh:
http://countrydoctorswife.blogspot.com/2008/08/cdw-choreorganizers.html
Go there but first use the restroom.
Beth
I have a couple…
Two blondes were on their way to Disneyworld. They saw a sign that said: “Disneyworld, left”. So they turned around and went home.
A blonde and a brunette were walking along the sidewalk. The brunette says “aww, look - a dead birdie”. The blonde looks up to the sky, saying “where, where??”
How do you kill a blonde?
Put a scratch-n-sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool.
LeeAnn (AKA Frazzmom)
Maybe she can put it all to music and form a choir!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ATXV3DzKv68
Sue
Oh, YIKES. I don’t know any blonde jokes. Or possibly I know some and just can’t remember them because, you know, I’m blonde. But HAPPY BIRTHDAY Veronica’s SIL! Down with Syphilis
Jennifer
Well that should win an award for crappiest birthday ever. At least the rest of the year should be great in comparison.
I haven’t got any blond jokes for you, but my three-year-old’s favorite joke of the moment should remind her of the many of joys of her own sons:
“Hey Mommy! Smell my butt.” (raucous laughter ensues)
poppy fields
Wishing your sister a very Happy Birthday!
I came across a funny website in Italian Trivia’s blog comments…
cakewrecks.com
poppy fields
Correction…cakewrecks.blogspot.com…it’s pretty funny
Courageous Grace
I am also wishing your sister a happy birthday, and my gift:
A brunette is jumping up and down on a railroad track saying “21″ each time she jumps. A blonde walks up to her, looks curious, and starts jumping on the railroad tracks saying “21″. After a couple of minutes, the brunette steps off of the tracks just as a train comes by and hits the blonde. The brunette gets back on the tracks after the train is gone and starts jumping again saying “22.”
And my other favorite:
A blonde is sitting in a rowboat in a wheat field. Another blonde walks by and upon seeing her yells “It’s blondes like you who give blondes like me a bad name. And if I could swim, I’d come out there and kick your butt!”
Melanie
Sister, Happy Birthday. Think of it like this- at least it’s better than Pauly Shore.
Antique Mommy
Happy birthday SIL - so very sorry about your troubles! In the meantime, this always cracks me up: http://strangeplaces.net/weirdthings/analogies.html
chilihead
This cracks me up every. single. time.
Snoopy and Charlie Brown
Kelley
Just wanted to say hi and that I really enjoy reading your blog. I am a 911 dispatcher in South Dakota and I read your blog on a regular basis!
Pieces
That birthday sucks in every conceivable way.
My kids and I love homestar runner and many of the lines in it have become recurrent family jokes. If you haven’t seen it yet, check out the welcome video.
http://www.homestarrunner.com/firsttime.html