Maternity Fashion: If Toddled Dredge Wrote Fashion Friday
Like many of you, I read Big Mama’s regular blog feature Fashion Friday. She writes about everyday fashion in a way that is entertaining and not pompous. I read even though I am not even remotely fashionable. Fashion left me behind about ten years ago when everything switched to stretchy, drapy super-snaggable polyblends and 1970s patterns. I am hoping that eighteen months from now, when my body has settled into whatever it decides is post-baby normal and I need to finally replace my wardrobe, clothing will once again be tailored, monochrome and 100% cotton.
Fingers crossed.
For now, I am still in the purgatory of maternity clothes. And I have a few words to say on the subject.
Designers, listen. I know we’re not friends. You don’t like me and I don’t like you. I don’t spend nearly enough on clothes to be your target market, and you make clothes apparently only to pain and insult me. Your maternity clothes seem designed around skinny women wearing artificial belly bumps rather than real women with real pregnancies. I am going to charitably assume that you design the clothes you do out of well-meaning ignorance rather than sadistic scorn for heterosexual procreators, so I’m going to help you out with a little advice.
1. I am pregnant. Let me wear a @#$%^& normal bra. Those square necks and peasant shirts and wide-strapped tanks and spaghetti straps and whatever other absurdity is currently fashionable for the seventeen-year-old figure? It does not work on a woman whose body is preparing to feed a small hungry human. You do not want to see the face of my rage when I finally find a shirt long enough to cover my belly, only to find that the sleeves are so precariously balanced at the outermost edges of my shoulders that normal underclothing is impossible.
2. Stop sticking elastic in my shirts. Seriously, don’t make me hurt you. And DO NOT call the elastic anything remotely related to the word “comfortable.” It is not comfortable. It is itchy and it digs. Even if it doesn’t dig when I buy the shirt, it will in a month or two. PUT DOWN THE ELASTIC.
3. A pregnant woman’s stomach extends more than two inches below her belly button. I realize that in your youthful days you may have found a little breeze down there kinda sexy. I do not find breezes sexy. I find them drafty. And I would like to be able to walk down the stairs without everyone below me staring fixedly at the two inches of exposed stretch marks that are feeling a chill because you can’t make a shirt that meets my pants. And this is not a size issue. Lane Bryant’s maternity clothes do the same stupid thing.
4. I do not actually want to share my cleavage with the world. They will get enough of an eyeful once I’m nursing. Until then, kindly give me a neckline that allows me to bend over and pick up my current children without flashing the old man sitting next to me.
5. Clingy is not sexy. I know, I know. You think sexy is all about clingy. Maybe in the artificial belly bump modeling crowd it is. But until the last month or so before delivery, my pregnant belly jiggles. Santa has nothing on me. I would prefer not to be mesmerized by my own hypnotically rippling reflection in store windows as I walk past. The decorum of a little space between me and the fabric greatly improves my quality of life.
6. Bold patterns on a pregnant woman are the visual equivalent of an air horn. It says “Back up! Coming through!” While there are times I might be grateful if the crowd would part enough for my wide load to squeeze through, I can take care of that myself. I can always shout “My water broke!” Please make me something that could not be seen on the cast of Sex and the City or the upholstery of a 1970s couch.
7. Pre-shrink your fabrics. I cannot count the number of times I have bought an empire-waisted maternity shirt that fit perfectly in the store, only to have it shrink up in the wash, even after following its laundry instructions. Trying to dress in a rush only to discover that the shirt that fit yesterday now has a seam that runs horizontally mid-nipple makes me call down curses upon your heads. Seriously - the way you know Oprah’s whole “law of attraction” nonsense really is nonsense is by the fact that no maternity designers have yet spontaneously combusted from the powerful thoughts of destruction directed towards them by pregnant women.
I am seriously considering spending the last month of this pregnancy wearing only sweatpants and my husband’s XL v-neck undershirts. Funny thing - his shirts cover my belly, do not itch, do not shrink, do not cling, let me wear normal bras and do not have plunging necklines.
Perhaps someday our gifted designers for women can master the fashion achievements of Hanes and Fruit of the Loom.
chickadee
you are hilarious! and so right. i just bought a maternity top and it barely covers my 5 month belly now. i know i won’t be wearing it in another month. i suppose the short shirts are for the baby bumps with tatoos.
Beth
You took the words right out of my mouth (in a funnier, more creative version)…
I am 34 going on 35 weeks pregnant right now, and I hate that my wardrobe choices are more limited than my hubby’s right now. That is just not right!
JulieC
Hilarious indeed! It’s the truth, too. When I was pregnant, I found one pair of maternity jeans that fit and I wore them constantly with big T-shirts. I wasn’t fashionable (I never am!), but I was covered. My youngest son is almost 7 and I still have those jeans because I am afraid to throw them away. We have no plans for more babies, but I can’t get rid of those jeans, because I’m afraid if I do, we will be having another baby and I will literally not be able to find anything to cover my nakedness. So the jeans are still in my closet.
Erin
Can I just repeat every word you just said, only for fat lady clothes? Because everything you just wrote– jiggles, cleavage, stretch marks, and all– applies to me, and I’m not pregnant.
suburbancorrespondent
Amen to all that. As I’ve mentioned here, I simply cannot believe what is out there.
Adventures In Babywearing
oh you are too good. You crack me up!!
Steph
Happy Geek
AMEN
nicole
Very funny. I may be one of the few women who was lucky enough to be able to wear maternity clothes easily. I actually loved most of mine, they were cuter than my non-maternity clothes. But I do appreciate the sentiment behind the post.
Antique Mommy
I loved my maternity clothes for the most part, but I was in my mid-40s when I was pregnant and I wasn’t their target market. Most of the maternity clothes I saw were for 20-somethings who don’t mind exposing their bare bellies and are small enough up top to wear spaghetti straps. Not to mention maternity hot pants.
Jenni D
You should see the get-up I’m wearing today (at 35-1/2 weeks): one of those “empire-waist-moved-nipple-ward” shirts with some shorts that fit everywhere except where my thighs rub together, so they keep riding up. I feel sooo pretty!
Minnesotamom
Spot on.
Emily
Hah! This post made me laugh out loud, because I have SO had those “designers are horrible” thoughts! Seriously, who decided that pregnant mamas only gain a decorative little tummy, rather than the normal extra poundage ALL OVER?
I actually did find a nice place to buy some maternity clothes that are long enough: http://www.shade.com. Watch out because they DO cater to kids who like spandex, but if you pay attention and buy the large sizes you can get some really cute stuff that looks good and actually fits. Good luck!
Bean and her books
I was pregnant last year and the only place I found that had maternity wear I felt comfortable in came from the JCPenney website.
Moriah @ Please Pass the Salt
HA HA HA.
Hey, if you need an adequate nursing bra recommendation, I have one for you. At least twenty (TWENTY!) women/friends I know that I’ve recommended it to also LOVE IT.
I think that’s sayin’ somethin’.
elisa
Preach it, sister, preach it….
Kimberly
Oh yes.
That is nearly all I have to say.
I am only half way through my pregnancy, yet feel like I look 7 months. I am also, ahem, a “plus-sized” woman. Weirdly with really small breasts. Which means that tops that fit through the belly and hips gape horribly at the top, and I am not wearing the cute bras that would support such gaping.
Anyway, I found the best top ever at JC Penny. I have no idea how to embed a link, so here it is:
http://www5.jcpenney.com/jcp/X6.aspx?DeptID=50434&CatID=50454&GrpTyp=SIZ&ItemID=138181a&attrtype=SZR&attrvalue=plus+maternity&CmCatId=EXTERNAL|50454|shopbysizerange
And, although it says “cap sleeves” they are quite long enough.
And I am long-waisted, so those cute “underbelly” pants are worthless. I have to buy the granny ones. I am now living in these from Target, in every color of the rainbow, because the waist can practically come up under my breasts:
http://www.target.com/Liz-Lange-Target-Gaucho-Pants/dp/B001303JEA/qid=1217549531/ref=br_1_3/601-5797415-5520913?ie=UTF8&node=3073601&frombrowse=1&rh=&page=1
Also, I have found that Old Navy maternity tees are longer than most. And a bit shaped, so I don’t feel sooo dowdy.
But JC Penny seems to be the best value for the money for this plus-sized preggo woman.
Tonggu Momma
Hysterical! My sis (with the five month old) doubled over with laughter about the flashing cleavage during nursing comment.
So… do I get to wear my husband’s XL t-shirts and sweatpants during my “paper” pregnancy??? Or does that cross the line?
Veronica Mitchell
TM, husband’s t-shirts are always fair game. Though if you could find suitable paper t-shirts I would be really impressed.
Pieces
Well said. Fortunately, my prenancies were done before the clingy shirts reared their ugly, um, bellies.
Big Mama
With the right accessories, I think you could take Az the husband’s white Fruit of the Loom t-shirts from ordinary to EXTRAORDINARY.
You crack me up.
edj
During my twin pg, I went to Ross and bought size 2X shirts. It worked for me. Of course, there’s nothing wrong with living in sweats and husband’s t-shirts, which is basically what I looked like I was doing.
Terri
Hahahaha! So funny and SO true. Even seven years ago (the last time I was wearing maternity clothes) things weren’t any better.
gretchen from lifenut
Let me guess: You got the shrinking tops from a certain store with the initials MM? Everything I bought there over the years has fallen apart/shrunk/otherwise destructed long before it was reasonable. Like after one wearing.
Old Navy’s stuff is very roomy and the shirts cover the belly well. I got a lot of stuff from there during my pregnancy with Beatrix, and I am just starting to wear them again.
Melanie
Amen sister. When I was pregnant, there were still flowy, free shirts and pants. Now I can see a woman’s belly button- and it is inside out.
NOT good.
I feel for you, girlfriend. Long live the mumu.
Mrs Lemon
JC Penney does have great plus sized maternity clothes. A friend found a maternity jean skirt at Goodwill for me from there and bought it, and I wore it Every.Day. that I was pregnant. I reluctantly have loaned it to my sister, but I made her pinky swear she’d give it back the minute she gave birth.
Brea in Texas
BBWWWAHAHAHAHA!! That was wonderful.
Except, I always get so excited about my pregnancy cleavage, because when I’m not pregnant, I have NOTHING. So I’m all about ‘Woohoo! Lookie what I gots here! It’s boobs!! Me and my boobs are coming through!’ much to the hub’s chagrin.
~Brea
Jess
This is stinking hilarious, only because it’s so, so true. Where are all the realistic maternity clothes designers???
Octamom
After I’m done laughing, I’m gonna shout up a big ‘Amen, Sister’!
We should nail this to the door of baby bump designers and call it the ‘Maternity Manifesto’!
Blessings!
sis
okay. I clicked on all the links in your comments. Do you realize that http://www.shade.com is actually a website for awnings and tents? Subtle. Hee hee. The JCPenny shirt got poor user reviews for shrinkage and being too short, but I did send you a pair of the maternity target gaucho pants. I also looked around oldnavy and bought some stuff. Tell me what you think when you get them. You should be like some charities, and have a CONTRIBUTE button for improving your wardrobe. Next to it, you should put a photo of your huge stretch marked belly stuffed in something that doesn’t fit and your cleavage spilling out of a tank top.
stef
oh goodness. SOOO true. i’m only 16 weeks and the only things that are comfortable and fit well are hubby’s V-neck shirts and sweatpants.
stephaniesmommybrain
AMEN!! Preach it, sister!
rrmama
Everything you wrote is true. Designers today must have never been pregnant. They don’t have a clue. I seemed to have good luck finding clothes when I was pregnant but that was three years ago. I think you should take hubby’s shirts and embellish them a little, you could start a new trend in maternity clothing. Good luck
Fiddledeedee
This brought back painful maternity wear memories for me. That not even the maternity fashion bonfire I erected after my last baby could erase.
And you are right on target.
Amber (Bringing Good Home)
I love it - so true!
Last time I was pregnant, about 3 years ago, my also pregnant best friend and I were discussing how revealing everything was.
Who in their right mind makes a spaghtetti strap shirt for a pregnant woman - and who in their right mind wears one?
slouching mom
however. however.
you do have far more options than i did when i was pregnant with my first in 1997.
back then, when i walked to work uphill both ways ;), pregnant women were pretty much limited to wearing rompers — like overalls but with skirts.
they were DREADFUL.
Robin (PENSIEVE)
Even though I’m almost 11 years past the pregnancy phase, I’m cheering you on girlieQ! WHAT IN THE HECK ARE DESIGNERS THINKING?
Or maybe THAT’S the problem!! THEY AREN’T THINKING!
Darlin’ post and I hope you get a comfy wardrobe out of it ;).
Aunt LoLo
Oh, BRAVO! I’ve got 5 months to go. Do you think anyone out there is listening to you? Let’s hope so!
angela michelle
So with you. They really don’t make maternity clothes for pregnant women anymore. My dream is a store that has different sizes for second trimester (still trying to be somewhat cute, not yet gargantuan) and third trimester (give me that tent, please).
Emily
So sorry - I gave you the wrong link for Shade. It is actually http://www.shadeclothing.com/
The fact that I originally gave you a link to a tent and awning company should not be construed in any way as a subtle comment on your size.
Dana
I’m in the home stretch with Offspring 5.0. I am not a small girl. I am, I believe, trying to give the Sun a run for its money as I am now the source of all heat in the galaxy and I am large enough to have my own gravitational pull.
I have had children in 3 decades (’89, ‘96, ‘99 & ‘04) and have complained bitterly about maternity fashion, which is, to me, an oxymoron on par with “military intelligence” and “jumbo shrimp”. Here’s hoping someone listens to you!
PS: thanks for subscribing to my tweets! I did a little happy dance! Or, you know, what a mammoth would do if it got excited and wanted to dance…
Annette
Did you ever notice the pregnacy magazines in the dr.’s office waiting rooms?
What are those models wearing!? I cannot even IMAGINE a REAL pregnant woman wearing the strange and unusual outfits they advertise. A very pregnant woman would look NOTHING like their models with the artificial tummies and skinny arms and legs. hahaha
I saw an ad with a woman sitting on the edge of a delivery table of some sort, looking nothing like I ever felt when I was nine months pregnant. (Obviously she wasn’t!) It isn’t fair to the poor new mamas out there who are looking for some real advice and realistic ideas of what to expect.
I just gave birth to my 11th baby two weeks ago. Funny thing is, I am now buying those shorter maternity tops to cover what’s left until I can fit into regular jeans again. :S
The Broken Man
My wife would be so with you! She is really starting to struggle, at nearly six months, and she *has* pretty much just got a bump - the rest of her doesn’t seem to have expanded much at all. It’s the drafts from underneath that bother her, I think!
The Broken Man
http://theblogofabrokenman.blogspot.com/
Kate
Thanks for the Laugh, that was hysterical. i’m only 18, but I have friends who know how you feel! I’m sure I can imagine.
I’m not pregnant, and it’s *still* hard to find modest ANYTHING out there.. heh
Kelly
Oh my! That was pretty funny! And so true.
Lizz@Yes, and So is My Heart
Oh, that was so funny and so right on.
JoAnn
You are so right!
At 10 weeks pregnant with my fourth child, I dread wasting money on the ever-shrinking-after-one-wearing tops again. Fortunately, I kept my maternity clothes from the last one so I have a couple of things that fit well enough and one shirt that I love.
devi
oh my goodness………….you are soooo right
it’s a wonder pregnant women even go out in public anymore with such LIMITED choices of wardrobe
hahahahahahahah
i can’t stop laughing
i am 7 months pregnant and have a ridiculously hard time finding clothes to fit me properly
whoever thought it was cute to show some belly while they are pregnant was seriously deranged
looking forward to reading your hilarious views on things in the future
Julie H
Where were you four years ago when I was pregnant? Man, this really would have come in handy. Take care, Julie
Because I’m Not Angelina Jolie, That’s Why. « Life More Abundantly
[...] be shirts. I blogged about that last pregnancy, and Veronica over at Toddled Dredge also did a fantastic post about the delusions of the maternity fashion world that had me hollering “Amen.” I [...]