Letter
Dear bloggity friends,
In the interest of honesty, I have decided to tell you all exactly what I think of you.
In my mind, all of you have cleaner houses than I do. They smell fresher and they get more sunlight. You have actually decorated, rather than throwing up bookshelves on every available wall and stuffing them haphazardly with more books than they should hold.
You all drive much nicer cars than I do (that is assuredly true), and they rarely smell like rancid milk and toddler vommit. You cook homemade recipes at every meal, with many healthful vegetables and low-sugar desserts full of fiber.
You smile patiently at your families and never lose your temper. You know where to place the polite niceties in conversation and you mingle well at parties. You achieve your goals, but feel no need to trumpet them.
You are all thinner than I am, and your hair is shinier.
While your children could not possibly be smarter than mine (I have some snobbery, after all), they have much greater social skills and you dress them with more fashion sense. My smart kids name their letters and recite their books and then go outside in their hand-me-downs to play with rocks and eat the dirt.
Despite this, my children are naturally more adorable (but then you can’t have everything).
While some of you have tried to portray yourselves as ordinary or imperfect, I don’t buy it. I suspect you are merely putting on a facade, interacting with the common folk as part of a conspiracy involving the Patriot Act and FBI phone taps, or possibly spying for SMERSH or Graco. I haven’t worked out all the details yet.
But I am on to you.
Sincerely, Veronica
Tags: queen of uncool
Blog Antagonist
LOL! Isn’t that the truth?? Sad that we get so down on ourselves isn’t it? The fact is, we all have our good days and our very, very bad days.
Thanks for the laugh. :?)
Jennifer
A point-by-point rebuttal…er, I mean, response:
- Cleaner houses: Uh, no. And let’s just leave it at that.
- More sunlight: Well, probably, but I live in the tropics after all.
- Actually decorated: Bwahahahahaha! Oh? You were serious? Ahem.
- Much nicer cars than I do: Former taxi whose owner only repaired things required to keep the car running? Really? You too?
- Homemade recipes: Hey, I did that once! Yeah, the kids wouldn’t eat it.
- Smile patiently / never lose temper: *Sighs* Now that would rule.
- You are all thinner than I am: Dude, you’re like ten months pregnant!
Well, and then all that about the kids, to which I have one thing to say: Have yours ever been dropped at school wearing two left shoes, in different sizes? Okay then.
Antique Mommy
You can always have your house cleaned, diet, use more conditioner on your hair and buy your kids store-bought clothes, but I’ll never be as smart as you. But I keep hoping that if I hang around here enough some of it will rub off on me!
Seriously, I think you are terrific just the way you are.
(Que Billy Joel sappy tune: Don’t go changin….)
Lynanne
Ah yes…you’ve described me exactly. Not the mom with all her ducks in a row - the other one. The one that sounds a lot like you.
Pieces
Yah, but you are sweetly caring for your adorable angels while glowing through a cheerful pregnancy. Then! You will give birth to another angel without breaking a sweat or swearing at the doctor.
Not that I have ever heard anyone do that before.
Beck
1. My house is often quite nasty. OFTEN. And it’s very, very old and only 1/4 renovated. My furniture is all vintage hand-me-downs, which you can’t see under all the toys. Lots of beautiful sunlight, though, and a gorgeous porch.
2. My car is a van from 1998. It’s not bad, though.
3. My children call me “Crabby Mommy.” I frequently alienate people forever by being such a social moron. I have no goals, pretty much.
4. HAHAAHAAHAHA. Geez.
5. My kids would be naked were it not for hand-me-downs. My son always puts everything on backwards. My daughter thinks combing her hair is sadistic punishment. And they’re very, very rude.
Joyful Days
1. The house. In a word–Ugh…No I don’t have bookshelves on every wall. I use the pile method. Along with my children who spill for sport, I have a LLOOOOONG haired hound and two stinky, very old cats.
2.My cars are okay, used but okay.
3. I have more meltdowns than any two-year old.
4. I haven’t lost the “baby fat” and the baby is 6.
5. We are in our pjs quite often here. I have boys. That translates to…TMI, never mind.
6. I am sure your children are adorable. You know Calvin (of Hobbes fame) and Dennis (as in Menace) think along those lines,those are mine, though I love them and think they are wonderful.
I am so impressed with you. I could write (or speak) coherently during pregnancy (I’m not sure that has improved since they’ve grown).
Here’s hoping you never meet me. I like the illusion. Let’s just pretend I am all you describe. LOL.
Oh, The Joys
My car is more than 10 years old and covered in pollen.
Deena
**GASP**… how did you know?? LOL!! Oh, if you ONLY knew…there’s a very good reason I refuse to invest in webcams…
Jennifer
LOL. That’s what I thought of YOU. To set the record straight:
My house cannot possibly be cleaner. It used to be clean all the time. Then I realized how much the cleaning lady was costing me and now my house is as clean as I can keep it without hating my life.
I never decorated. The only nice furniture we have is a sexy leather couch we bought new four years ago when we were childless and urban. The rest is old furniture from friends, relatives and Ikea. I drive a 1993 VW Golf. I love it. It’s a hand-me-down and had been in a few accidents before I got it. It was repainted cheaply after the work was done to fix it back up and is now fading in four or five different colors. It has 160,000 miles on it. Did I mention that I love my car? It also smells faintly of a toddler’s stale crackers and juice and the trash bags I sometimes forget in the trunk.
I do cook pretty well. You got me there. Lots of fresh vegetables.
I lose my temper all the time and hate myself for it afterwards.
I don’t always achieve my goals. Not losing my temper is one of them.
My hair is probably thinner than yours. As for my weight, you are very pregnant. So cut yourself a break already! I saw your reflection in that museum picture you posted way back when and you looked pretty good to me.
And my son is just as adorable as your kids!
Sending a virtual hug. We’re all screw-ups, every single one of us. That last trimester is tough though, when you have all those perfect housewife/mommy hormones surging through your bloated body and you’d do anything to be Donna Reed. But I doubt Donna Reed would have anything interesting to post on her blog.
Other than low-sugar, low-fat recipes.
I’d rather read you any day.
meredith
I read this and keft laughing trying to think of a worthy response. You are a smart woman that I look up to, but there is no way your house could be messier than mine! It’s funny how in this blogger sphere we all have preconceived ideas about what the others must be like. One thing I am sure that we all have in common is that we are each the parents of the cutest, smartest best kids out there. Oh, one of our cars is a real junker, and the other one is getting there
Robbin
Hahaha! You know, I think the exact same things EVERY time I read someone elses blog.
Except about the dressing the kids part - Harry is a pretty snazzy dresser, if I do say so myself.
While I will admit to being a bonafide neat freak, as a professional working mom, the reality falls far short of the ideal. If you could only see the current state of my master bedroom, all fears would indeed be allayed.
I am 42 and I drive a MINIVAN.
Enough said.
allrileyedup
You’re right. My car does not smell like rancid milk. It smells like rancid soy chocolate milk.
Ashley
I love your letter. That is exactly how I feel about other mom bloggers. But I would add that they all write better than me and have more interesting things to say.
While reading this in my perfectly decorated house (um, I mean one bedroom apartment) My one year-old screamed for attention and my delicious low-fat dinner (um, I mean baked mac-n-cheese) boiled over on the stove.
It’s nice to know I’m not alone
Kacey
If our cars are nicer — maybe, it is because we have been married longer and have been through that stage already.
If our homes are neater — maybe, it is because our kids have grown and left the nest.
If we are thinner — maybe, we aren’t pregnant.
If our hair is shinier —, maybe, you need your thyroid checked.
athenainaminivan
I just had a playdate at my house with your darling 5 nieces and nephews, my three boys and 2 darling little girls (10 kids under 8)…my house is well loved, dinner is from a taco box, furniture has slip covers, CompUSA and TOysRUS threw up in my house, dirt is a well loved friend, minivan is a 2001 and Honey’s a 1997, We are happy, healthy and loved. What else matters!!
{Karla}
are you stalking me? How on EARTH did you know??
*snort* you are SO wrong about me!!!
(although, you did address this to bloggity friends, and I don’t think I’ve ever even commented here… so, I guess it doesn’t count)
blessings,
karla
edj
Yep. You got it. I KNOW I’m thinner than you are, at least right now
And I probably get more sunshine. And as for the other stuff…well, since you can’t check, let’s just go with the image of me having it all together. And pretending I don’t. For a reason. That’s it. 
I like this. Thanks
Love,
Your Thin, Tanned, Together Imaginary Friend
ewe are here
hahahahahahahahahahahaha
And yet, I think these things about everybody else quite often, too!
Kit
If we’re having a competition for the messiest house, I’m in with a chance - and that is after I’ve tidied up and I have help cleaning, but somehow it doesn’t seem to keep up with the ravages of three children and two messy adults, four dogs and three cats…..