Breastfeeding
Do you really need another angsty post from me? Probably not. But this is just the kind of complaining that one can only do on a blog, so you are stuck. Come back another day and I will be in a better mood.
I am a curvy woman. Right now those curves are mostly a large pumpkin shape located in my middle, but before I had babies, my curves were the more generally appealing sort. I assumed I would have no trouble breastfeeding. My mom nursed all of us without trouble. My sister had a terrible time nursing her first, but after a couple of months, things went more smoothly, and all her subsequent kids nursed easily.
I figured I would have a rough first few weeks with my first baby, and after that it would be smooth sailing.
Ha.
My first daughter was born, and I learned the hard truth.
JellyBean could not latch on in any hold except the cumbersome “football hold,” where my arm is behind her back, hand supporting her head to pop her on as soon as she finally opens that mouth wide enough, while my other hand holds my breast to get it in her mouth while also holding it far enough away that she is not smothered by a body part twice the size of her head. I long to be able to nurse a newborn in that beautiful, maternal cradle hold that so many of you post as your infant’s first photo, but I cannot use that hold until my babies are a couple months old.
The modified, two-handed football hold is an involved operation. I do not have a free hand to do anything else. Read a book while nursing? Ha. Drink that doctor-recommended glass of water? Ha ha. Until the baby is old enough to hold her own head away from my natural smothering devices (at about two months, if I remember rightly), I am trapped and bored. Thank God for audiobooks and iPods.
I was shocked at the pain of nursing. Before any of you start, let me say that the lactation consultant mantra that “it only hurts if you are doing it wrong” is insulting nonsense. It may hurt more if the baby is latched on wrong, but it hurt when she was latched on correctly, too. My first week home with the baby, I shocked my mother by howling curses and banging the wall when the baby latched on.
But the biggest frustration about nursing is the embarrassing fact that, despite a generous figure, I do not make enough milk. My babies are born at a normal weight but fall farther and farther off the weight charts while breastfed. When I am nursing, I stress almost constantly about how much they are eating or not eating. I drink water by the gallon. I eat like a horse. My doctor gets stern and concerned with me as my babies get skinnier, and at home at night I cry a lot.
I finally weaned JellyBean at nine months, beacuse she was a fearful biter, and I was afraid that in my desperation to get this little bear-trap off my nipple, I would hurt her. When I weaned her, I was already two weeks pregnant with Sweetpea.
I thought my second baby would be so much easier. My breasts were broken in! I’d done the hard part! Now it would be smooth sailing!
Ha.
Sweetpea had a very high palate, which meant that my nipple was twisted upwards when she sucked. I bled. I cried. Unlike her sister, who would accept the occasional bottle of formula as supplement for what I could not give her, Sweetpea refused from Day One to accept anything in her mouth but mama.
As soon as she could go four hours or so between feedings, I began to breastpump every day to increase my milk supply. And every day I had to throw away the milk I had so diligently expressed, because she would not accept it in a bottle.
The other thing about not making enough milk? You can’t lose weight. During the first six weeks after my babies are born, my body can lose some weight without harming my milk supply, but after that, losing more than the tiniest bit means my milk begins to dry up and my baby goes hungry.
You can imagine how I feel about that.
Over the course of nursing two children, I have seen five lactation consultants: one helpful, one insulting bigot, and three relatively harmless but useless. Believe me, I have heard it all. If there is a little voice in your head saying, “Oh, but I know if she just tries this, it will change everything,” smother that voice. I promise you, I have already heard it or tried it or ruled it out for its sheer impossiblity.
So why do I nurse anyway? I suppose a small part of it may be the guilt of the whole “Breast Is Best” campaign, but that’s not the real reason. It’s because I am a proud, proud woman and I hate to admit that other people can do something that I can’t. It is because I am a tiny bit ascetic in my soul and hate the thought of giving up on something merely because it hurts me. And it is because (I have to be honest) I am cheap, and breastfeeding is free.
So now Baby #3 is coming, and we have decided to try for #4 right away. I have promised Az (and he is gearing up to remind me when I get stubborn) that I will supplement with formula for this baby (assuming she allows it), and that I will wean her if I get pregnant since it is unlikely that my milk-stingy body can accomodate a pregnancy and nursing at the same time.
But I feel the itchy stubbornness inside me already, and I know I will have to fight my nature.
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Joyful Days
Praying for you.
I breastfed mine. My sister bottlefed hers. They are all healthy. They are all wonderful.
Blessings and peace,
Beck
I posted my response to this, Veronica. You just have to do the best that YOU can do, you know?
bubandpie
Supplementing is NOT the devil. You’re prepared for the worst now, but you never know – every baby is different – maybe this one will have a huge mouth and a great latch. I hope so.
Her Bad Mother
You described my own experience exactly. And I, too, pray/wish fervently the next one – if there is a next one – will, as B&P said, have a big mouth and a great latch.
Karen
milk supply problems are heartwrenching. it’s always good to feed a hungry baby, no matter what’s on the menu…latest baby nursed and supplemented with solid foods, younger than usual, but it worked great.(got that gem from Jack Newman’s site, definitely not american pediatrician’s advice) Other one supplemented with specialized formula for a while because of GERD, it broke my heart that he kept getting smaller, so we made the switch. I’m glad and sad that I did that.
Pieces
My babes were born so big that their blood sugar was tested at birth. Boykiddo was very low and the first thing they did was slap a bottle of sugar water in his mouth. All I could think was “They are ruining him! Now he’ll never latch on to my breast!” I was totally freaked out about it. Stupid. Breast feeding nazism has ruined the emotional health of many a good mother. Whatever you do is right for you and your babies. I’m very impressed that you stuck with breastfeeding so long with that kind of pain. You are a stubborn woman!
Jennifer
I was a very lucky breastfeeder. But it still hurt! The first few weeks let down felt like someone stabbing my breast through the nipple. After that it was smooth sailing still to this day I have no idea why I was so lucky when so many of my dearest friends had such a hard time of it.
I do believe that it’s good to give it a try but if it doesn’t work out for whatever reason, or if it’s just not for you or your baby, the very worst thing you can do is traumatize yourself over it, traumatizing the rest of your family in the process.
A very good friend of mine who just had her second baby confessed to me while still pregnant that she wasn’t planning on even trying to nurse her second. “Do you think I’m a terrible mother?” she asked me. She had been afraid I’d judge her since I nursed my son for so long. I told her I was relieved. She suffered a horrible bout of PPD after the birth of her first child and it came as such a relief to me that she would be able to take her medication immediately after the birth of her second baby so that she could, indeed, be a good mother to both her children and a good person to herself.
There is so much more to mothering than breastfeeding and there is so much more to life than guilt. We owe it to ourselves to respect our choices and our bodies and love our babies as best we can without worrying about things we cannot change and that don’t make much of a difference anyway.
Tara
My experience was very similar to yours, football hold, pain and all. I remember just breaking down in the pediatrician’s office at M’s two week check up when they weighed her and she was still about 4 ounces from her birthweight. I was exhausted, sore, and had done nothing except breastfeed her for two weeks straight. How, after all that suffering on my part, could she NOT have regained her birthweight? I had already been to a lactation consultant twice, husband in tow, and I just didn’t know what else to do. My pediatrician set me free when he told me that I would “not be a bad mother” if I chose to supplement. We did, and slowly I found breastfeeding more tolerable, although it continued to hurt like a mother when she latched on for a long time. The only time she refused the bottle was in the middle of the night. Daddy lucked out on that one. I got my revenge on him though…by having twins. I did not try to breastfeed the twins, but I will probably do it again with number 4. I can’t say that I’m looking forward to it though! Good luck to you with this one!
Veronica Mitchell
Thank you all for your kind words of encouragement. I know these things; I have said these things to my friends when they have trouble breastfeeding. But somehow it is easier to be harder on myself than I am on other people.
I will take lots of deep breaths and tell myself that not nursing or not nursing exclusively does not mean I am a failure. And hopefully my new little one will be my fattest, loveliest little baby yet and I will have nothing, um, well, one less thing to worry about.
Mimi
i’m pumping and reading at the same time. gah. i had no idea how INCREDIBLY painful the letdown reflex can be. i was shocked the first time and winced for about a month afterwards …
allrileyedup
Ugh, I do not miss those painful first weeks of breastfeeding. I have no real complaints about breastfeeding. My kids latched fine. I’m a milk-producing fiend. Yada, yada, yada. But, oh the pain of those early weeks…
Have you ever use Soothies brand gel pads? They’re magical.
Grafted Branch
Wow! Sorry you had such a hard time. That sounds awful. I am well-endowed as well, and I make enough milk, but only for 6-9 months — then I suddenly begin to dry up.
I have no advice, because I believe you when you say you’ve heard and tried it all. But I do hope it goes better for you this time around.
The Lord bless you…
The Mad Momma
No NO NO…. I have no suggestions at all… in fact all i have is admiration… a less strong person would have given up long ago… kudos for all you have done and all the best for what lies ahead. i have a 22 month old and a 10 day old… and i cannot imagine not being pregnant but sadly they were c-sections so i dont really have the option of having too many more… will enviously follow your third journey…
Mad Hatter
I’m very late to this party. First off, “hello”. I know a lot of the bloggers you know so I’m surpised I am just getting here now. Too many blogs out there, ya know?
I just popped over from the comment you left at Suburban Turmoil. I too had a miserable time breatfeeding. There’s a post about it in my achives–Nov 2006 called Milk Let Down.
Anyway, I just wanted to say I understand. Good luck with this new one.
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Donna W
FINALLY!!!! Somebody who’d going through the same stuff I went through 40 years ago, and I had no blog in which to vent. Thank you for sharing.
Di
Thank you!
I’ve had a long and winding road with breastfeeding the little one. The best days are when it only hurts “a little” to nurse. She with the small mouth, and me with the big ole boobies that are not over abundant with milk. (Why I assumed that I would produce to my aparent capacity.)
And she doesn’t take a bottle easily either. We’re starting a sippy cup and I ordered one of those stupid, very expensive soft nursers from Adiri to see if that works. Forget pumping, we’re going right to formula. Expensive, hypoallergenic formula.
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