Shh. The baby is finally letting Veronica sleep, so here is a little classic Dredge for you. This post was originally published in May of 2006. I’ll be back when I’ve had some shut eye.

So I’ve been reading the Kama Sutra again. Maybe it’s because I’m looking for a book to recommend to a young bride I know. Maybe it’s because I want to feel trendy. Maybe it’s because I like to sound worldy wise and say, blandly and dismissively, “Yeah, I’ve read it” if the subject comes up at parties.

Oh please, like I go to a parties. The truth is I’m a geek. Or a nerd. Wait, which one has no money? I’m that one. And when people refer to an ancient text in hushed tones of awe, I feel an imperative need to demystify it by reading it.

The thing nobody tells you about the Kama Sutra? It’s boring.

I know. It has this scandalous reputation for being The Big Book of Sexual Secrets. A kind of compendium of all those headline articles on Cosmo and Glamour: “10 Ways to Make Him Forget Her!” “Grade Your Sexual Technique” or whatever schlock Manhattan editors think might make you insecure enough to buy a magazine that teaches you how to compete with the local crack wh*re. But the Kama Sutra doesn’t read like Helen Gurley Brown. It reads like the Talmud, without the interesting parts.

For 600 pages it rambles on, listing differing scholarly opinions. But technique! you say. Isn’t it full of of descriptions of different positions? Yes, it is. And you’d think that would be thrilling, right? No. Eventually it starts to sound like the directions for putting together your kid’s high chair. “Insert Tab A into Slot B. Twist until it clicks.” And you remember how much fun that was.

A few years ago when a movie came out called Kama Sutra - as though it was some sort of visual version - I was dumbfounded. Because I was thinking, “How do you make a movie out of the Kama Sutra? It has no narrative. No plot!” (Straight man cue for you to say: “Neither did the movie.” Not that I’ve seen it). But you can’t make sex sexy without a narrative. Even p*rn has plots. Stupid, exploitive, misogynist, unrealistic plots, but still plots.

So here’s the truth you won’t get from the Kama Sutra, but you probably know anyway: sexy is in the narrative, the story two people write with their lives. The babies we’ve had together, the private jokes we share, even the arguments we’ve resolved. We have a life together, and it’s a good one. And (details deleted) nothing is sexier.