Comments on: Mothers, Master and Commander and Identity

By: Miscellaneous From Missy

Miscellaneous From Missy — Fri, 30 May 2008 19:25:56 +0000

I clicked a link on Fiddle-Dee-Dee’s page just because I was bored, and I ended up here. This post made me bookmark you!

An interesting question to ponder, what bases my identity? As a mother of a teenaged daughter (God, help!) this is a question that I have struggled with myself.

I want my identity to be anchored in what God thinks of me. Because He’s the only One Who really knows the truth, AND He’s the only One Who will be able to hold me accountable. As long as I am following Him, my daughter can hate me or love me as she chooses, and I will still know that I am doing best.

This is all in theory, of course, because it hurts when the mean words come out of her mouth, and I struggle to remain “anchored” in truth rather than feelings.

Thank you for this post.

By: edj

edj — Mon, 26 May 2008 20:18:06 +0000

Yes, I do my best to parent to an ideal of my own, not my children’s, because I know they will change and recognize things in me that they admire as they themselves mature. I parent much more like my own parents than I ever thought I would during those tumultuous years of teenage angst, so I keep that in mind as my own kids head into those years. My goal is longterm–to help my children become mature, godly, capable of making wise choices; so I don’t worry if they are unhappy because I limit electronics or sweets.
But I do worry far too much about what others think of me. (I got this from my own mother!)

By: brother

brother — Sun, 25 May 2008 15:31:45 +0000

Children are not the best judge of parental behavior. Even as adults we tend to measure others by a yardstick that favors our own abilities and actions. We should be static is beliefs and convictions honoring to God and allow Him to change us in those areas that need changing. Hopefully our children recognize that in our lives as they grow.

By: Antique Mommy

Antique Mommy — Sat, 24 May 2008 12:03:37 +0000

Very interesting line of thought. I think my identity is a gloppy fluid — it changes and morphs with the impact of various events of my life, but static at the core and in it’s composition. I think other’s opinion of my identity is fluid for some (my child) but static for others (my parents).

Over all, life is a fluid and dynamic event in every way, always changing and recycling and becoming.

I don’t know. None of that even makes sense outside of my head.

By: Julie

Julie — Sat, 24 May 2008 01:11:11 +0000

What an interesting point you raise: “Do we change from ‘good mother’ to ‘bad mother’ and back again based entirely on what our children think of us at different stages of their lives?” I sure hope not!

My definition of a good mother includes setting and sticking to firm limits. And it’s my children’s job to test those limits. There is no question that some day they will “think” I am a bad parent. I remember thinking the same of my parents when I was a teenager. But I also remember a deep down, barely acknowledged, sense of relief that my parents were still in charge. I hope my kids will feel the same.

No, my mom identity is not the least bit affected by what my kids think of me. Where I run into trouble is comparing myself to other moms. You know, the ones that have perfect kids and never lose their temper and always remember to bring snacks and never forget to sign permission slips. Ugh.

So, didja like the book? Are you going to continue with the series?

By: ShackelMom

ShackelMom — Fri, 23 May 2008 20:23:49 +0000

A very thoughtful post. Motherhood is such a challenging and important thing that it has to be tied to more than public opinion. I don’t think anything has required as much of me, character-wise. It is not always easy to be nice, kind, forgiving, patient, forbearing and so on in the face of childish orneriness and dissension.

And then there’s the challenge of knowing where you want to go with all this influence you have. What matters most, when all is said and done? As adults, we have a different perspective on what matters; learning to make wise choices, self-control, kindness, forgiveness, patience, forbearance… the stuff we are supposed to be modeling… Sigh. And we want our kids to have happy memories of their childhood, to feel like it was unique and special.

The satisfaction comes as our kids enter adulthood, marriage, and parenthood, ready to face the challenges of character and conviction themselves.

By: Jennifer (Et Tu?)

Jennifer (Et Tu?) — Fri, 23 May 2008 19:54:37 +0000

Wow, what a great take. Thanks for posting this.

By: Pieces

Pieces — Fri, 23 May 2008 17:11:38 +0000

Such a fascinating and thoughtful post. I can’t decide what makes our identity. I don’t think it is static. But does it change based on people’s opinion? I can’t decide.

Sometimes I see my mom get a tiny frown on her brow when we are talking about my childhood, as if she is questioning her decisions. But she stops herself and gently says “I did the best job I could.” And I agree with her. She did.

By: Minnesotamom

Minnesotamom — Thu, 22 May 2008 19:25:31 +0000

As much as I want to take the stance you (and Jack) take, I find that I am easily swayed in my opinion of myself based on what I presume others are thinking of me. Sigh…

By: Sarah

Sarah — Thu, 22 May 2008 18:34:23 +0000

There’s no question that my response to my mother’s parenting has changed dramatically over the years. I’ve apologized to her for my 13th and 14th years of age. And I hope when my daughter is a mother, we can laugh over the dramatics of the past that seemed so all consuming at the time.