Mothers, Master and Commander and Identity
Historical fiction is a tricky business. The author has to walk a perilous line between writing characters who are true to the period and writing characters that appeal in some way to the reader of today. It is not easy to do both. So many authors bungle it that for a while now I have gratefully let historical fiction slide off my reading list.
But in deference to Julie the Bookworm’s opinion, I decided to try Master and Commander, the first in Patrick O’Brian’s series about Jack Aubrey, a British naval captain during the Napoleonic Wars, and his friendship with Stephen Maturin, the ship’s doctor.
O’Brian demonstrates respect for his audience by making Aubrey a man of his time. While O’Brian may judiciously direct our eye away from action that might be distasteful to a modern reader, he allows Aubrey to have the attitudes and behaviors one would expect from a man of 1800. Transplanted to 2008, I suspect I would find Aubrey a sexist boor, but in his own time period, he is distinctly likable (not least because he has that rarest of qualities in British historical fiction about the military: competence).
O’Brian hints at this difficulty when Stephen and Jack disagree on the mutability of identity:
“The identity I am thinking of is something that hovers between a man and the rest of the world: a mid-point between his view of himself and theirs of him - for each, of course, affects the other continually. A reciprocal fluxion, sir. There is nothing absolute about this identity of mine. Were you, you personally, to spend some days in Spain at present you would find yours change, you know, because of the general opinion there that you are a false harsh brutal murdering villain, an odious man.”
“I dare say they are vexed,” said Jack, smiling. “And I dare say they call me Beelzebub. But that don’t make me Beelzebub.”
Jack sees his identity as a fixed and static thing, determined by himself. Stephen sees identity as something fluid, affected by outsiders’ perceptions of us, which may change according to time and place.
I have been thinking about these things after a conversation with my mother this week. We talked about my childhood, and our different memories about it. Things that meant one thing when I was a child mean something different now. The story I mentioned in another post about my parents cutting the cord off the television now seems charming, one my mother’s lovable quirks. But when I was a child, I thought she was an unfair dictator for such things.
Is our identity as mothers mutable? Do we change from “good mother” to “bad mother” and back again based entirely on what our children think of us at different stages of their lives?
Bub and Pie’s comment on a post of mine from a few weeks ago has stuck in my mind. She said,
Mothers decide whether to take Jack Aubrey’s or Stephen Maturin’s stance about identity. The qualities our children loved or hated when small may cause the opposite reaction in them when they are thirty-five. One of our challenges as mothers is to somehow hold on to what we know of ourselves - how hard we tried, how much we loved, how we did some things well - during the angry years our children may go through.
My daughter will not always throw her arms around me and declare, “Mommy, you’re my best friend!” The day may come when her words are decidedly less complimentary. I don’t think I change from good mother to bad every time she will tell me so. My identity as mother must come from something deeper, something other than her reactions, so that my identity remains stable, leaving me free to wait for the day when she finds me lovable again.
Even when I cut the cord off the television.
Amanda
My children aren’t really in those angry years yet, but I still think your point on holding onto what we know of ourselves is valid at all stages. Often, it’s much more convenient to abandon conviction, but I think knowing what we stand for as mothers helps in making us much more consistent — before those angry years, during, and beyond.
suburbancorrespondent
No, your idea of yourself as a mother doesn’t change. I know I’m being a good mom when I demand certain standards of behavior from my teen daughter, even though she hates me. But, lordy, sometimes this job sucks…
Genni
The pre-teen/teen years are the best of times and the worst of times. (With worst of times edging ahead a bit, I fear.) Sometimes it would be so much easier to “switch than fight.” For their sakes, as well as ours, I’m with you on the idea of holding fast to what you know is best for everyone involved.
The evidence of this comes when your 22 yo daughter calls to let you know that she just let her 18 yo brother have it about how stupid he was. “I said LISTEN to MOM. She really knows what she’s talking about. ”
Then you hang up the phone and smile (and sometimes cry a little, too.)
Tonggu Momma
We are already a very public family, being that we adopted transracially, so I worry about being conspicuous more than most, I think. But I think I’m doing everything I can to protect the Tongginator’s privacy while still keeping a public blog.
And, frankly, the challenge of writing something every day fulfills me in a way that she cannot… so it DOES make me a better mother.
Thanks for this post — definite food for thought, as always.
bea
This is a clever post. Because when I read that quote, Stephen’s view seems so much more complex and sophisticated than Jack’s. (You can’t survive ten years of post-secondary education in the humanities without developing that kind of gut reaction.) But when you apply their theories to motherhood, suddenly Jack’s perspective becomes very appealing. It is our job, after all, to do things our children won’t like. The only way to survive this gig is to make sure we don’t believe our reviews.
Sarah
There’s no question that my response to my mother’s parenting has changed dramatically over the years. I’ve apologized to her for my 13th and 14th years of age. And I hope when my daughter is a mother, we can laugh over the dramatics of the past that seemed so all consuming at the time.
Minnesotamom
As much as I want to take the stance you (and Jack) take, I find that I am easily swayed in my opinion of myself based on what I presume others are thinking of me. Sigh…
Pieces
Such a fascinating and thoughtful post. I can’t decide what makes our identity. I don’t think it is static. But does it change based on people’s opinion? I can’t decide.
Sometimes I see my mom get a tiny frown on her brow when we are talking about my childhood, as if she is questioning her decisions. But she stops herself and gently says “I did the best job I could.” And I agree with her. She did.
Jennifer (Et Tu?)
Wow, what a great take. Thanks for posting this.
ShackelMom
A very thoughtful post. Motherhood is such a challenging and important thing that it has to be tied to more than public opinion. I don’t think anything has required as much of me, character-wise. It is not always easy to be nice, kind, forgiving, patient, forbearing and so on in the face of childish orneriness and dissension.
And then there’s the challenge of knowing where you want to go with all this influence you have. What matters most, when all is said and done? As adults, we have a different perspective on what matters; learning to make wise choices, self-control, kindness, forgiveness, patience, forbearance… the stuff we are supposed to be modeling… Sigh. And we want our kids to have happy memories of their childhood, to feel like it was unique and special.
The satisfaction comes as our kids enter adulthood, marriage, and parenthood, ready to face the challenges of character and conviction themselves.
Julie
What an interesting point you raise: “Do we change from ‘good mother’ to ‘bad mother’ and back again based entirely on what our children think of us at different stages of their lives?” I sure hope not!
My definition of a good mother includes setting and sticking to firm limits. And it’s my children’s job to test those limits. There is no question that some day they will “think” I am a bad parent. I remember thinking the same of my parents when I was a teenager. But I also remember a deep down, barely acknowledged, sense of relief that my parents were still in charge. I hope my kids will feel the same.
No, my mom identity is not the least bit affected by what my kids think of me. Where I run into trouble is comparing myself to other moms. You know, the ones that have perfect kids and never lose their temper and always remember to bring snacks and never forget to sign permission slips. Ugh.
So, didja like the book? Are you going to continue with the series?
Antique Mommy
Very interesting line of thought. I think my identity is a gloppy fluid — it changes and morphs with the impact of various events of my life, but static at the core and in it’s composition. I think other’s opinion of my identity is fluid for some (my child) but static for others (my parents).
Over all, life is a fluid and dynamic event in every way, always changing and recycling and becoming.
I don’t know. None of that even makes sense outside of my head.
brother
Children are not the best judge of parental behavior. Even as adults we tend to measure others by a yardstick that favors our own abilities and actions. We should be static is beliefs and convictions honoring to God and allow Him to change us in those areas that need changing. Hopefully our children recognize that in our lives as they grow.
edj
Yes, I do my best to parent to an ideal of my own, not my children’s, because I know they will change and recognize things in me that they admire as they themselves mature. I parent much more like my own parents than I ever thought I would during those tumultuous years of teenage angst, so I keep that in mind as my own kids head into those years. My goal is longterm–to help my children become mature, godly, capable of making wise choices; so I don’t worry if they are unhappy because I limit electronics or sweets.
But I do worry far too much about what others think of me. (I got this from my own mother!)
Miscellaneous From Missy
I clicked a link on Fiddle-Dee-Dee’s page just because I was bored, and I ended up here. This post made me bookmark you!
An interesting question to ponder, what bases my identity? As a mother of a teenaged daughter (God, help!) this is a question that I have struggled with myself.
I want my identity to be anchored in what God thinks of me. Because He’s the only One Who really knows the truth, AND He’s the only One Who will be able to hold me accountable. As long as I am following Him, my daughter can hate me or love me as she chooses, and I will still know that I am doing best.
This is all in theory, of course, because it hurts when the mean words come out of her mouth, and I struggle to remain “anchored” in truth rather than feelings.
Thank you for this post.